Do you also know this annoying trait to always want to please people? This used to be me, completely. It was really bad. Someone would ask me something and although I wanted to reply with “no” I would say “yes” because I knew this person was hoping for that. That way I ended up having to go to get-togethers I didn’t want to go to and even participating in stupid lotteries, just because I didn’t have the guts to simply say “no, thanks”!
It’s essential, though. Especially for HSPs who naturally worry much more than the average person it’s just not sustainable to commit themselves to things they really don’t want to do. But unfortunately HSPs are also the most susceptible to trying to please people, since we perceive very easily what the other one expects and also get affected by the other’s mood. We don’t want to be responsible for someone else to be upset.
But, tell me, do we want to upset ourselves instead? Again and again?
One really important lesson we all have to learn is that we are not responsible for other people’s wellbeing. Of course we can contribute to it and we can enjoy it when our loved ones are happy about something we did. Still, if they are unhappy about something we did, and this thing we did was right for us, it is also okay. This obviously also applies to people we are less close to, but there it is easier to say no.
Try looking at people who are not so sensitive – they usually have no problem at all with saying no and they say it every time they mean it. As it should be! And no one is angry with them, right?
Maybe it’s a bit of a different issue for HSPs as we might say no more often than the average person to things that most people would like to do. But hey, that’s our opinion, our personality, us! We should stop cheating ourselves…
I think this is something that has a lot to do with life experience. At my age, I know many people who struggle with similar worries, but in my mom’s generation it’s already a completely different issue. They just say “fine, let this person be upset, but what do I care? If they find me strange and dislike me, I don’t mind…”. Love that attitude! And I am trying hard to make it my own.
Since I became vegan I find that it gets easier and easier, just because of the practice probably. When it’s about eating anything that other people offer me I nowadays politely decline without any trouble. The first times it was hard because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. After explaining why I wouldn’t eat their stuff, no one was ever angry with me, though. And I bet it would be the same with nearly everything else.
You don’t want to come to the party? Why? Ah, because you hate loud music. Huh, I can’t understand it, but if this is how it is – okay. We can maybe meet in a quiet place another time.
Isn’t it like that? People may find you strange, but they usually aren’t offended. It is okay to speak your mind – we just have to do it confidently and assertively. Then we are all set. 🙂