Worry, worry, worry…

Good morning everyone,

I hope you had a wonderful and relaxing weekend. Mine was mostly nice but way too short. I mentioned in my first post that I got my Master’s degree which probably sounds like I am in principle free now, but there is still some stuff to do so I keep going to my institute at university.

Today I’ll accompany a good friend to the hospital because she might need to get a surgery done, not sure though. It’s especially bad because she as well finishes her Master’s now and will then travel back to visit her family on the other side of the globe and if the surgery is done, this won’t be possible.

You can image what my weekend looked like. Every free second I was worrying about my friend, hoping that everything would turn out well but at the same time trying to imagine what would happen if not. Can’t one just stop it at one point?! I feel like my head is always occupied with something to worry about, though over the years my general attitude has switched from a pretty negative to a quite positive one. More about that in another post… Anyway, whenever I wasn’t worried about my friend I was thinking of the small things I still need to do to finally completely leave my Master’s thesis period behind. It’s not much but needs to be done. Then I started thinking, okay, so if you go to the hospital on Monday morning you will come late to the institute and this will delay other stuff. Really, I just can’t switch it off.

It’s even worse with my knowledge that once I’m done with my Master’s I don’t have anything following. Okay, so I was looking forward to this for about a year and a half and I know that it would be wrong to continue after my Master’s because I just don’t feel good about what I’m doing. But the thought of not having a job prospect and not knowing how to reorient myself can drive me crazy at times. I know I need this time, but sometimes this knowledge is the only thing that makes me stay strong and not just find myself a PhD position. Fear can make you do pretty strange things.

Well, people, that’s one of the reasons for my blog here. I think that finding people that feel similar to me in one or the other way will be beneficial for both sides. If you know that other people struggle (and succeed) as well, it makes you feel more like you are actually allowed to not know what’s in store next – after all, that’s life, right?! The problem is just that all these “normal” people out there are often so very self-secure and give people like me (us?) the feeling that it is not okay to be insecure about certain things. I know so many people who give the impression to know exactly what they want. Although for some others I already found that this was nothing but a facade and inside they are just as torn as me. Maybe we all need to be a bit more honest about our feelings. After all, it doesn’t help anyone to have half a country’s employees stuck in a job they despise only because they didn’t dare to change their orientation. I don’t want to end up like this. And I won’t because I now know certainly some things I don’t want. That’s a good start. I once read a quote (if I find it again, I’ll add it here) that said it’s more important to know what you don’t want than to know what you want. And I think it’s true, I mean, how can you know what you want? There are so many things in the world, jobs, lifestyles, places to travel, experiences to make… How could you possibly know? But as long as you have things that you know are wrong for you, it really isn’t too hard to exclude them from your life as well as possible. In my past I had this strange habit of often ending up doing those things I knew in advance I didn’t like. Probably because it’s easier to stick to the known, even if you don’t like it. Well, those times are over. Wherever my life will lead me, from now on I will be the operator! 🙂

Have a great day, and try not to do too many things you actually don’t want. It’s your life!

Love, Ayumi

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3 thoughts on “Worry, worry, worry…

  1. “It’s even worse with my knowledge that once I’m done with my Master’s I don’t have anything following.”
    Yes, it’s scary. But there are better things coming. Have you ever heard Jack Canfield tell the story of the woman who wanted to be buried with a fork in her hand? She said that at church functions when they came around to collect their plates from dinner, she always knew dessert was coming if they said “hold onto your fork.” She knew the best was yet to come. So, hold onto your fork 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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