Going out as an HSP

It’s always a struggle for me. Everyone is looking forward, planning a location, scheduling a time. And I am already getting uncomfortable at the thought of it. Going out is really not my thing.

Today my friends and I are gonna celebrate the completion of our Master’s theses, and of course I am also happy to see all of them once more before many of us will spread to different places and we won’t meet again so soon. It would be one issue if we met in a private place, like an apartment or something, but this bar thing I just hate. The problem is that most people enjoy ordering drinks and I think they probably also like this general atmosphere in bars. For me, it’s pure stress. All this noise, little space, tension because of the unfamiliar environment. I would really like to look forward, but I am actually more dreading it since I know that I will be totally worn out afterwards. Luckily I know now that this is only natural for most HSPs, and I don’t feel like such an alien anymore. 🙂

For me it always helps to remind me that nobody forces me to do anything, so if I really don’t feel like going I don’t have to. In this case, I’ll go for sure (I mean, how many Master’s theses do you complete in your life? Right…), but normally I often say no. Most of the time, actually. And when there is this feeling of, ok, I want to go, I know it will be stress but it’ll be nice to see these people anyway, it’s somewhat fine. After all, it’s just one evening and then I can sleep and recover.

So I guess this is how it will be, tonight I’m gonna go through it, try to actually be able to have some proper conversations instead of this stupid superficial blah blah…

Tomorrow I’ll then have to say goodbye to one of my best friends here, as she’ll go home to India on Friday. I hope I will get the chance to bake something nice for her, then I might share the recipe with you. It’s always so strange when a chapter of life ends. I was looking forward to this for months, but now it feels just funny. Let’s see what the next weeks will bring.

Have a great (hopefully relaxing and joyful) day/evening depending on where you are! 😉

Love, Ayumi

A beautiful place

Today I felt like sharing some photos with you that I took during a vacation in Croatia, this is at the Plitvice Lakes National Park. It’s been nearly three years ago now, but I still love looking at these pictures – it was amazing to be there. The colors are really this intense, although it’s already hard for me to believe it myself. If you ever get the chance to visit this place – I highly recommend it! 🙂

I love photography, but I still need to get a good camera. Maybe I’ll do it as a treat for myself for having completed my Master’s. Actually I like that idea – finally came up with a good excuse why I can have one now. I’ve been waiting for too long already, it’s about time. 🙂

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I think I really am in vacation mood… Hope you fell in love a little with this beautiful place now, too! 😉

Ayumi

Into the blue…

Hi everyone,

after a fateful and much hated day yesterday, I am back on track. There are soooo many things one can do in this world, this one stupid job that I wanted and now can’t get won’t decide on my overall life happiness. Actually, I enjoy the thought of not knowing about my future at all – a little bit, at least. Sure it’s scary and at times I completely freak out and feel like screaming, but overall I take it as a great opportunity to find my direction in life. I think that when I chose my career the first time, after highschool, I was still so much of a child and so inexperienced and insecure, I just wanted to get something started to be out of this situation of not knowing what to do. I was so scared of the world back then, I think I would have never been able to make a proper and educated decision about what I want to do. So I picked what seemed the most interesting to me – I liked biology in highschool, so why not study it? And for my Master’s, I had already felt strange about continuing but was not at that point where I would have dared to draw a line and say “Stop”.

Finally, here I am now, finishing my Master’s and looking out into the blue. Except for some faint ideas, everything is completely open and possibilities are endless. Maybe I will find the greatest thing for me, and maybe I’ll be disillusioned pretty soon. Somehow, though, I have the feeling that I am doing the right thing. Lately, I am absolutely obsessed with all kinds of songs that address in one or the other way this topic of not knowing what the future will bring. For example… “It’s a shot in the dark but I’ll make it” (Rather Be, Clean Bandit), “Neither of us knows what’s in store” (The Days, Avicii) or You Can Never Be Ready (Sunrise Avenue). Actually, these are all some of my very favorite songs at the moment, apart from my anime music… It’s such a relieve to feel like it’s totally okay to not always know what life will bring. And it’s really thrilling for me, because I have never tried it so far. I guess my being an HSP doesn’t make things easier, because if one thinks about everything ten times as much as most people, it naturally takes much more courage to do something so insecure, as one replays all the possible scenarios of how this can go wrong so many times. But now I am finally doing it, and I am proud and confident about it.

Did you ever have this feeling of dangling in the air, not knowing which of the many possible directions you are going to take? If yes, how did it turn out? I would love to hear some stories!

Apart from all that, it’ll be Easter soon (looking so forward!) and I’m glad to finally be able to spend a few calm days with my family and hopefully baking something. I have made a plan of baking some really tasty treats so that my anti-vegan grandfather will have a pretty hard time if he wants to stick to not eating my baked goods. I’ll let you know if it works out! 😉

All the best,

Ayumi ❤

Btw, now that I have recovered a bit from yesterday, I am gonna add my remaining thankful thoughts from Saturday. Yesterday I just wasn’t able to do it.

Never lose hope

Dear all,

guess you are asking why the hell I am not writing, now that I finally decided to start my blog. I’m sorry, I’ll really try to better myself, it’s just a rough time right now.

This apprenticeship I just told you about a few days ago? Today I got rejected, and it really hit me hard. At the same time I’m still stuck in my Master’s thesis institute and can’t completely let it go yet, so right now I’m dangling in the air and it’s a bit too much for me. Especially this rejection is pretty tough for me because I had been counting on this thing for nearly a year now, and suddenly it’s over. Still can’t really believe it…

Anyways, this is just an explanation so you don’t think I already lost interest in blogging. I love it, and I’m surprised how much I enjoy it, actually. But sometimes it’s just really hard to not simply break down and cry. Well, I did that earlier today, but now I’m more or less ok again. While I am writing this, I even feel some of my energy returning, so this really helps me. Thank you for being out there. 🙂

What I realized after I nearly got a heart attack this morning is that one can never bet on anything. You can be so sure about how the future will look like, and then everything can change within one second after getting a call, opening an e-mail, or suddenly looking at the girl/man of your dreams, or having an accident. Nothing is sure, whether we like it or not.

At the moment I feel like having lost the solid ground under my feet because all my plans and ideas I had for the next years of my life are gone with this one fateful mail. But luckily I am not a negative-thinker anymore, otherwise I would probably fall into a deep, deep hole now. As it is, I am just telling myself that there was a reason for this for sure, and I probably wouldn’t even have liked the job if I had got it in the end. Like this, I can restart after my Master’s with a fresh mind and maybe find something that fits me much better.

What I want to say is that, however terrible and unbearable a situation might seem at first, never lose hope. Maybe for a minute or two, and crying is totally allowed anyway, but I think it’s important that you always know it will get better again. Even a few minutes after reading this e-mail I told myself that in a few days I would have probably come to terms with it already, and I just hand to stand through them. I mean, there is this certain time that has to pass before one can accept negative events like that, and I guess there is not much one can do to speed it up. But as long as one knows that life goes on and there is always a new morning, everything is ok. I didn’t lose hope and trust in myself although I felt like crushing the whole world in the first half hour. This is something I was really proud of (afterwards, at that time I just cared for not crying in front of my boss!) and that made me confident that good times are coming. Not getting something you really wanted sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. And you know…

“What feels like the end is often the beginning.”
(found on Pinterest, from http://lalalovelythings.com/2014/03/beginning/).

For now, big hugs and all the best wishes ❤

Ayumi

Goal for today

Hi people,

it’s weekend, and that means we’re all in a good mood, right? Perfect for another little feel-good challenge. Today I am planning to be thankful at least 10 times (and I’ll try hard to remember and let you guys know later what these things were, just don’t be surprised that it’ll take a while because I’m at a no-internet place for the rest of the weekend 😉 ).

Well, first three times are already done, since I started the day with a nice running tour during which I was very grateful for the chirping birds (making me smile automatically!), for being healthy and able to run and for the blue sunny sky – awesome! Good start. 🙂

I wish y’all a wonderful weekend and many thankful thoughts!

Ayumi

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” ~ Buddha

UPDATE:

So, during that day I was thankful for seeing my grandparents, for the beautiful daffodils that are blossoming everywhere these days, for having enough to eat (and even something really tasty!) and a nice cozy bed to sleep in, for my cute cat although she is very stubborn (or maybe just because of that?), for it being weekend, so I knew I could sleep in, for the ivy we collected in my grandparents’ garden and formed into a nice vernal door wreath, for the singing blackbird at my mom’s place/soon-to-be real home (I swear this bird picked up a cell phone ring tone, this song is just not normal chirping – too cool! 😉 ), for my self-made vegan chocolates (yummie!), for the beautiful book I finished the second time that day (To Kill A Mockingbird) and for so many other things. Guess it would get boring if I tried to list every little thing here… But the options are inexhaustible. Let’s be thankful for as much as possible! 🙂

Let’s relax!

Hi out there!

It’s Friday, weekend coming, yay! Although I had a somewhat unpleasant day today (and will have to work a little tomorrow…), I’m still happy. Weekend means you don’t have to justify getting up late, staying in your PJs all day if you feel like it and just calming down from the events of the week. Some weeks that’s more necessary than others.

Do you know this feeling when you have something very important in mind all the time and you don’t know how it will turn out? For me this is the case right now, I have applied for an apprenticeship that only few people are accepted to, and it feels like a great thing to me that I would love to get. My head is spinning so often with worries and hopes and yesterday I got a confirmation that at least my application was received (I sent it months ago!) and had to fill out some questionnaires. God was I excited! Today I woke up with a funny feeling in my belly, for me a typical sign of nervousness. I usually have a hard time letting thoughts go. This whole morning while preparing breakfast I didn’t think of anything else.

Luckily the events of the day gradually brought me back to my normal self. After having listened to my current comfort music on the bus this morning, it was already much better. I love the way music can help you change your mood when needed. It can make you happy or sad, calm you down or stimulate you… At the moment (actually for the whole period of my Master’s thesis which was 6 months…) I am listening to (don’t laugh!) songs originated from my favorite anime series I loved to watch when I was younger. Now writing it down, it seems so very childish, but this music just gives me what I need at times like today, and that is a lot of assurance and the feeling that I am doing the right thing. Calmed down, I reached the institute and survived my day. 🙂

Now it already seems totally illogical that I was so hyper just because of something I had been looking forward to for so long and finally been able to do. I really need to start relaxing, but it’s always much easier to say it than to actually set it into action. Fellow HSPs, you sure know what I’m talking about. 😉

What usually helps me is to remember that this life is simply mine and not anybody else’s. Looking at the whole world, there are incredibly many ways of living a life, so why should I worry so much about one single aspect? Fine, it may be very important to me at the moment, but so are other things. If something doesn’t work out it’s not the end of the world, and if it does, well, even better. What counts in the end is the overall happiness, and this probably just suffers if one worries about everything so much more than necessary. I admire the people that just take everything the way it comes and never even bother to think about how it could have been even better. I do that all the time. It’s time to stop it right now. Overall, life is great for privileged people like us (I would consider anyone who can access the internet as privileged, because you most certainly also have a home, running water and a nice cozy bed) and we should remember that more often. We have so many possibilities, there is really no need to take them as an incentive to worry our heads off!

That said, I wish you all a wonderful (and relaxing) weekend!

Ayumi

That’s my cat Kyla… She obviously knows how to relax! 😉

Kyla

Time for myself

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These days I don’t seem to have time for anything. I’m wrapping up my Master’s thesis period, have to start clearing my apartment, I have a sick friend to take care of and then there is this super exciting new blog world I have just entered. Seriously, I start going through manuals on how to deal with certain website things, check interesting blogs and basically don’t do much at all – and all of a sudden two, three hours have just passed by. It’s scary. Where does all the time go?

It’s a common saying that time passes very quickly when one’s having fun, right? I wish this wasn’t true, but for me it is exactly like this. Especially when it is my daily “off” time, where I just do what I feel like doing (which has been exploring the blog world, recently 😉 ), I usually feel somewhat betrayed because the time appears to be soooo short. Then again, it is probably also related to the fact that at the moment I really don’t have much of this off time to begin with. It will get better very soon, and I’m so looking forward to it.

Most HSPs (except for the rare very extrovert ones, maybe) need more of this time for themselves, I think. Well, I don’t know so many personally, but the ones I do know are like this too. One needs a lot of peace and quiet to calm down from this hectic world so rich with impressions. When I get home in the evenings, I am usually finished. Luckily, though, I have a routine of cooking dinner freshly every day, which is like a real therapy to me. I get home, throw my stuff in some corner and start preparing my food. This helps me get into a calm and relaxed mood and slowly get back to my real self. Usually I don’t make anything fancy, but even if it’s just some pasta and veggies, it means so much to me. Sitting down to eat the food I prepared just for me is like appreciating myself and taking care of the fragile sensitive being inside. Really, breakfast and dinner are kind of my days’ highlights. Although these times are also gone too fast, I at least try to eat slowly and mindful and enjoy every minute.

What is it like for you? Do you also try to find little moments in daily life for recollecting and enjoying yourselves? Or can you just go through a day being amongst people 24/7?

Personally, I am very happy to not have to face anyone right now. Well, I mean in real life. Of course I am more than happy for everyone who reads what stirs me – thank you so much for taking the time! ❤

Love, Ayumi